Wednesday, January 12, 2011
i kind of wish life wasn't that effing complicated...


Friday, April 02, 2010
oh bother. crap dammit hell. the heart is torn and i don't particularly understand why the effing hell it keeps flitting around... there is this guy in church and he's adorable. but the sexy hot adorable like mr hatter. sigh. you'd think that someone with a guy would be perfectly fine eh? sometimes i feel like the whole life is being tied down and decided upon before i can .. so anything about it.. so i get dreams about him. he's younger than me, plain adorable and it's just like a little infatuation cos he's just cute hah. then DREAMS come along and screw the effing story and situation up. kissing people in your dreams is not right. espcially when they feel so bloody hell REAL . i wake up and my heart is TWISTEd. i can feelit. the pain. ow. confusion. ow. what the eff.

i rather like this blog. anonymous and all..

it's gonna take a while to calm my beating heart down... do dreams really tell you something your brain cannot accept your heart believes?

damn but it felt so GOOD. damn effing.. EFFING imagination.

soft but passionate.

damn. i need a hug. i miss .. everything..




sometimes i wonder what life would be like.. if thngs turned out differently...

i kind of miss you , you know...




your hugs were always the best.. always.. i'd try to let go butyou wouldn't .. sure know how to make a girl feel loved..


well... only for those few minutes... or whenever we hung out.. anytime other than that you're just MR HEARTBREAKER. sigh.




connor why do you have to be so effing attractive?


Wednesday, February 24, 2010
bloody effing hell. so i went back on my word.. twice... talked to you rotten fool. and found my self a guy. but then the whirlwind of matters that got me caught up in it, i went back to my resolution. and i have completely. utterly. cut you out of my life. i'm acutally rather impressed with myself. and i've definitely contemplated it over and over.. and not once do i have this tinge of regret feeling like butterflies from the bottom of my heart. not once. glad you're gone.. out of my life.. you're sOOOOO not the person i thought you were. so not the person i thought you'd become. you STILL smoke. YOU STILL party. you still drink like a dying fish. what the hell. one day you'll crash and burn and everyone will see you for who you are, a faker with a plastic mask. and i dont wanna be around to see that. maybe ill wish that things were different that you didnt change. maybe ill wish that you were still around THE OLD YOU. maybe.. just maybe.. but then.. maybe not...

the one thing that has been on my mind is the wonderings of what it would be like to kiss you. odd i know. buut im a scientist i have the rite to wonder. i know i DIDNT and im actually GLAD i didnt cos that would cause a whole lot of compications in my life that i dont need. but sometimes i wonder. then again. ive nevr been one for.. touchings and feelings. creeps me out. i like the huggings and MOSt sad to say is that you still are number one on my list of best huggers.

what did you think whn you saidgood bye for thelast time? what were your eyes saying that your mouth did not speak? that is just one thing i wanna nkow. if i could go back to that moment. freeze time and take everything out of context, id ask you. if i wasnt late for my movie date. if you werent running off. if the cab meter wasnt running.

all these if's..
notice how none of them will come true


and wake up
it's reality.



time will not turn back.

it will never happen 'again' to relive the moment. never..


take things as it is and move on.




good bye fool. thanks for the memories befor you became an ffing bastard...




oh wait..






you always were one...



(good last line eh?now i had to ruin it.. hah...)


Friday, June 19, 2009
igotta say that its been kinda ups and downsbut just 2 days ago i managed to CHANGEIT ALL. i finally TOLD you ddinti? you wanted o meet up, you wanted to see me, youwanted to talk to me. well guesswhat, no THANK YOU. you say bye to me, i reply bye FOREVER. dont EVER wanna see youreffing face agin. and now i dont have to because i was given good advice to stick to my laurels and tell the goddamn truth and tahts what i DID and now i actually feelFREEEEE and i havet in a long time. thebest part is that you now know that it hurts for me when youtalk to me so you aint gona talk to me much now WHICH IS FANTASTIC. youre outta my life and im gonna make that STAY that way muahahhaha...

ive started writing a fake diary which is actually a real dairy with namschanged and written in the third person of my middle name. i thought i had problems with the older person majig, but after thingking about it really thoroughly, ive realsed that i dont wanna be romantically linked with any freaking effing guy on this planet, cos no matter how perfect they seem their flaws.. attack you from behind. had an awesome dream with mr tall dark handsome's face but with a NAME. Phillip. Never thought that it would be that namethat changed much, but i realise it has AND its sleeping beauty's princes name. and i like her. and now i got a man of my own in my own dreams iwth the same name. oddity. LIFE'S LIKE THAT SO SUCK IT IN.




just felt like i had to say that. HAH.


Thursday, April 24, 2008
is it a sign of one's weakness to cry? i figure i'll just say it out here so i don't have to say it in real life cos i find it very... vulnerable to say it... i really do miss you but i can't doanything about it. so i just cry. yay. well done. stupid fool. yes. very stupid fool. i could whack my head against the wall if it didnt hurt so much. the past... few months its hurt like hell int this numbing pain and everytime i have any memmory it clenches around my stomach nd heart like an icy grip that i cant' break freee from. then finally last night i cried. i cried again .. the first time in a long time. i told my self that crying aint gonna make a difference and it didnt. except make my eyes dry. but still. it only made me feel worse. dont rmb when i drifted off to sleep. but its like the pain that grows so much it becomes part of youand eats you up inside. you dont want to let go.. simply cos you cant let go. its unfinished business.hmm

just occured to me. if i died today, i would become a ghost. cos of unfinished business.


muahahha.. ok...

its driving me insane. to the brink of insanity. oh boy..


Saturday, April 12, 2008
ever get the feeling like you really need to TALK to someone bt even if you found someone to talk to you would nt know what to say and even if you DID know what you wanted to say, saying it wouldnt help cos hte person wouldnt be able to solve your problem.... and youd feel worse off knowing that its a hopeless case that even someone ELSE cant solve for you.. so why talk in the first place? yeah well i feel like that now. and i wish i could just throw a jug at the wall or somehting.. or beat someone up. but like. more of fight someone just to vent angry and frsutration... physically in a way.

just fight it out. wham punch bang. if i could id smack you. but if i saw you id hug you and never let you go. that kinda feeling. sucks. really sucks. but i cant do anytihng about it. and talking about it wont chagne it so... IDIOTS. idiots.. freaking idiots. i HATE you.i hate that feeling of hopeless ness. man, lit is getting into my head. but i still HATE the feeling. i just want someone THERE. is it so freaking HARD>?!?! yes.. actally it is. id wipe you out. id wipe ALL of you out. worthelss pathetic creaturs...

i just need a hug...

but i aint getting one.


Wednesday, October 03, 2007
warning: this is an EXTREMLY selfish post.so, however you so accidentally stumbled upon this, do not read it for your own good.









i don't get it. death is something that is a part of life. we gotta accept it. some ppl cant. they live in the past, not realising that their emoness affects the PRESENT nad the ppl they know NOW. yes you. you didnt even KNOW your grandmother that well. and it was no shock. you know it wasnt. you were expecting her to go for three freaking months. and then when it happens, you forget hte whole world exists, completely STOP tlakin to me and then expect me to think its all ABSOLUTELY normal and to continue acting the same towards you after that. 2 weeks is no joke. you didnt even warn me. just. stopped. talking. and you think i can take that lightly? screw you dude. you arent that great. and the world stops for NO ONE.


i beleive it. and you do too, im very sure, that its the little things that count. one big thing cant surpass what a milion little things can bring and do. just an sms. just ONE sms. so that when i wake up i know im not forgotten, like what has recently been happening with everyone else. and OH the irony. my sms was saying THANK you for not ignoring me. and what happens? not a single reply. i know. i know. its hard. its a very hard time. in a way. but. but. its over and done with. you want the past to affect the present and the future? one sms. thats ALL i ask. is it too much? tooo much to ask to feel loved? to feel needed? and not ignored? or its supposed ot be one way isit?

im the one saying it all, and you just receive it? i know you say it back. sometimes. it must have been pretty hard on you. all you said was. Na. Nah. Na. in every single sms. it hurts. it really does. and i know youre gonna ask me whats wrong if i continue not to talk to you. but i dont know how to say it. its sefish. i know it is. i said so in the beginning. its selfish but i dont want you to suddenly decide to discard me cos of someone going away. it really does hurt. i know. im bloody over sensitive. go on. SAY it. i DARE you to. tell it to me. in my face . join the rest of the effing bunch of ppl who tell me that. you dont GET it . no one does.



my whole effing life was spent trying to make good friendships. trying. never really succeeding. i dont trust ppl. its HARD for me to trust ppl. cos i KNOW that theyre gonna hrut me. like now. perfect example aint it? i trust you. sigh. ive got no energy to tell you. none at all. im so tired of life and i feel like crying. ok i am crying. but like you care? no. im selfish. yes yes. i know. and if you see htis youre gonna call and ask me why i never told you. do you HONSETLY want to hear this from me when youre tryign to get over someone passing away?



i wouldnt. which is why. im not telling you. and im trying to suppress my selfish ness. i dont want to be selfish. im trying to stop being selfsh. so im not gonna tell you cos then its like im insisting and that wld be me being selfish and not thinking of everyting from you pt of view.


but it relaly does hurt. would one sms killyou? honestly? :'(