i thought i hated you. i THOUGHT i did.. apparently i dont. effing hell.did i see this coming? no i didn't. i didn't at all. and now.. now...

i did not think it possible to be like in the story books, when he touches her shoulder and she feels a tingle like electric shock. funny thing, it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. :O i know. i know. i am pretty effing sure it was not a figment of my imagination. i actually FELT IT. and now.. now...

you went.. and told me.. about her... whoever she is... i knew it was coming.. sooner or later... and yet i was not prepared for it.. i keep thinking that you're MINE.. and nobody elses.. and now i realise that... you probably will never be mine. because i never told you. my friend told me i can't keep running from my feelings. one day i will have to face them..

well.. it seems like i will be running for a while now... how the effing hell am i supposed to tell you how i feel about you when i don't even know for myself?

here, let's boost your ego. my tummy? yeah, it FLIPPED upside down when you said that you got a penpal. a GIRL penpal, and that you liked her.. yes. it FLIPPED.

god i wanted to kiss you so bad. i know i said i would never. but i did. so effing bad. but. i can't ruin... whatever you call that we have between us. i can't.. or i could... and regret for the rest of my life.. so i blew you a flying kiss. hah. i think i ruined it already. i'm sure i did. now i can't say anything to you. nope. nothing. not till you start talking to me first. god i'm such a fool.

would things be different? if i could do it all over again? i have no idea. m;aybe? maybe not? i wish we could get a trial run of some sort.. you know... like see how it would be if it were otherwise, then get a choice..

c'est la vie.. that's not how life works... wish it did, but it doesn't.

come on, what the HELL am i supposed to say or do?!?!!? i don't FREAKING KNOW MYSELF!!!!

easy enough to wonder and ponder, hmm do i love you? then you wonder, what the eff is love anyhow? even if i DID love you, how the effing hell am i supposed to go about it? just cos you LOVE someone doesn't guarantee the person loves you BACK does it?!?!?!?!!

EFFING HELL.

crashed out at 9:33 PM