Tuesday, August 15, 2006
sigh. im soo confused. i could have gone on with my life even if i skipped today cos today wasnt really great in any sense wad so ever. it started off really really badly with little miss green shrieky witch coming out when you walked rite past me. rite past me and plunked into the seat next to her. wad to do. i thought you were sitting with some guy frends and then half way through mass i see her there and i fall really miserable. i just wanted to get away. if its gonna be like this i might as well die rite now. i dont want to feel like this all teh time. but i have a really really sneaky feeling that ill get it when ever i see her. i just cant help it and its annoying me. really really annoying me. erguh. see, at times like these i just cant help hating myself.

it was scary cos i felt these sharp icy chills run down my spine when i realised you were tehre. with her. sigh. i could smack myself. in fact. i think i will. ow. ok. that kinda hurt. erguh. it should.im acting like a complete idiot. i should smack myself more often. damn it. i know you feel hurt. or. worried. or sumfin. you think its your fault. most probably. you usually do. but its not your fault. i dont think it will ever be your fault. cos tahts me. im a screwed up person. i told you that LOOOONNNNGGG time ago but you said you didnt care. sigh. im really screwed up . life has not been good to me interms of frends and stuff so i find it hard trying to adapt to actually having frends who care.

ppl should just ignore me. they say already that i lve in a world of my own, so may be one day i should trying getting there. ill fly... to hte moon or sumfin. and live my life on my own where i dont end up screwing up other ppls lives just like mine. erguh.

i dont know if what you say is true or not. i dont know whether i can ever bring my idtic self to understand that you are a good person. im trying to believe that slowly. trying to convince myself that im not being played here. trying to understand that a day might come where i have to let go. i am SO stupid. sooo stupid.

all i am certain for sure is that you have filled this empty void i once had some wehre above my diaphragm. not literally... but the feeling of being empty is gone. cos now i got you. well thats what i want to believe cos thats what you tell me. ERGUH. this is annoying. you have made me complete and now i cant do anythign without you there, on my mind. nothing at all. its annoying....... i think i will smack myself again. ok. four slaps. i know i love you. i know i love you very much. and i nkow i cant prove it because im screwed up. i dont know how you can love someone so screwed up like me. and thus its hard for me to convince myself that you do. im still trying to get used to the fact that i dont feel empty anymore because your here now and i know rite now i must sound REALLY stupid. thats cos i know i am stupid. but. other than taht. erguh. ok. i shall stop. im being... confusing.. to myself and.. oh brother. stupid stupid stupid me.